“Confusion is a luxury which only the very, very young can possibly afford and you are not that young anymore”
― James Baldwin, Giovanni's Room
But that is what I am, I am inherently confused and compulsively influenced by fictional characters that don’t seem to know the head from the tail of what the fuck we are doing either. I am 27 going on 28 and I don’t know if I am so young that I have my life in front of me or so old that my life has practically ended (at least that’s what my mom likes to think).
I continue to wake up each day, telling myself that I want to be the very best at work and the very best with the kind people I meet on my way, the cigarette shop guy who thinks my hair extensions are pretty, the rickshaw guy who thinks I’m generous, the countless cows and dogs that seem to gather at exactly the same time I arrive at the gate of my office compound.
And honestly, I am happy to be this person, it took a lot to become this person and I wouldn’t ever want to change a thing. But… there’s always a but or a butt - the latter more enticing. Sorry, clearly carried away. But, when people ask me what I love about life, what I think is the philosophy of life, or even what is my favorite color, I feel so baffled by these questions.
Because I think they are absolutely absurd, I think life is absurd and to admit that we don’t know is the only thing we know about it. I think I love how absurd life is because, I, due to my medical condition keep hopping from a state of ecstasy to immeasurable depression in a matter of seconds. What’s my favorite color, I can’t choose one, like a bee doesn’t choose a favorite flower - they are a constant source of my inspiration, an integral part of my work and I know how beautiful they all are if one dares to see them in the right light.
I have seen people reach their financial goals even when they weren’t as capable or talented, I’ve seen a labor class that is far more perseverant, skillful, and kind than the bourgeoisie who think they are better than everyone else. SO it is a mere chance that someone is born with a silver spoon and someone else is born by the gutter. My absurdism helps me calm down, even when the people around me are constantly trying to prove their worthiness or that they have earned where they are today. I have earned nothing if we have learned nothing.
When I believe that the world is absurd, I destroy expectations of any kind and accept things just the way they are, that is my way of coping with a world that has far more to teach than I am capable of learning. But learn I shall because if there is one purpose of our conscientious existence, learning has got to be it.